Perfectionism: The Story We’ve Been Sold
We've been sold a story:
If we're perfect enough, if we do things "just right," we'll finally be safe from failure, criticism, and disappointment. Success, praise, and joy will naturally follow.
In a recent session, a client, let's call him Marcus, told me he'd caught himself staring at his screen at an email he'd started for the fourth time in a couple of hours.
When I asked him what was holding him back from hitting send, he said, "I just want to make sure the timing's right."
I’ve seen this before. Heck, I've been there myself. So, I suggested an alternative theory: what he might be waiting for is the feeling of certainty, knowing that nothing can go wrong, and that he'll be the hero in this story.
Then, he added he'd been working on a proposal. When I asked what was happening with it, he laughed sheepishly. "Nothing is happening. That's kind of the problem."
Ah, a juicy pattern. "Tell me more," I said.
"I've had this plan ready for two weeks. My whole team has signed off, but I keep tweaking it.”
"What are you afraid will happen if you send it as is?" I asked.
I'm not exactly...” He caught himself. "Okay, maybe I am. What if my boss asks a question I haven't prepared for? What if there's a mistake in the analysis? What if this makes me seem stupid and incompetent?"
"And if it's perfect?" I asked.
"Then I'll be safe. They'll see I'm competent and trustworthy,” Marcus said.
I had to push back a bit here. "In the last few months, you've told me about another major initiative you've led. You've exceeded expectations. You were literally just praised at our last team session. When you say you need this to prove yourself, what more evidence do you need?" I asked.
"I mean, that's how anyone succeeds. You deliver flawless work and don't give them a reason to doubt you," Marcus added.
Things got a little prickly. I asked him, "Is that how you succeed, or is that the story you tell yourself about how to stay safe?"
That landed.
We spent some time talking about perfectionism, how high performers like him achieve extraordinary things and set ambitious standards. But somewhere along the way, they stop questioning if this actually creates the safety and success they want.
They're so busy making sure nothing can be criticized that they forget to ask whether all this striving is moving them toward their goals or keeping them stuck.
We spent the rest of the session exploring what perfectionism is costing him:
Weekends spent working while his kids play.
Projects he never proposed because he couldn't guarantee they'd succeed.
The way his team started waiting for his approval on everything, because they'd learned he'd just revise it anyway.
Before we wrapped up, I asked him to consider something: "What if the goal isn't perfection? What if the goal is to be excellent, adaptable, and human? What if your value isn't that you never make mistakes, but that you make good decisions with incomplete information and adjust as you learn?" I call this increasing your tolerance for ambiguity.
I could see the resistance in his body language.
He emailed me the next day. For the first time in weeks, he'd left the office at 5:30 to take his daughter to karate.
That's a big win.
We've been sold a story: if we're perfect enough, if we do things "just right," we'll finally be safe from failure, criticism, and disappointment. Success, praise, and joy will naturally follow.
So we revise the email one more time. We stay late to catch details no one else notices. We delay the launch until it feels right. We say yes to projects we don't have capacity for because saying no feels risky. We hold off on starting things unless we can guarantee they'll be perfect. We apologize before anyone asks. We overexplain our choices. We look for reassurance, then question it when it comes. We compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel and come up short. We move the goalposts once we've reached them. We chase a finish line that keeps moving. We equate exhaustion with dedication. We promise ourselves things will get easier after this project, this quarter, this milestone. We build an identity around being the one who delivers, who never drops the ball, who makes it look easy. We call it high standards. Often, it's fear disguised as productivity.
At some point, we stop asking if all this striving actually creates the safety and success we were promised.
The inner perfectionist claims to protect us, but protection can quietly turn into limitation.
Burnout isn't always just around the corner. For many, it's already part of everyday life.
I've worked with high performers, ambitious leaders, and driven executives in every form, from one-on-one coaching to large-scale team transformation. They set remarkably high standards and achieve them. They produce excellent work and make excellence look effortless. They also dismiss their own accomplishments, find identity in overworking, and wear exhaustion as evidence of worth. Success brings a brief hit of relief before the next milestone arrives.
Others face the same perfectionism, but in different ways. They procrastinate until things feel just right, overanalyze scenarios to avoid criticism, and validate their greatest fear: that they're not good enough.
Both groups share the same self-criticism, self-doubt, and burnout.
This is perfectionism.
It's often mistaken for excellence, but it's really a maladaptive survival mechanism that's outlived its usefulness.
If this feels familiar, you're not alone, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are simply trying to survive the best way you know how.
It may simply be time to ask whether the standards that carried you here are the same ones that will take you forward.
When you're ready to change your relationship with your inner perfectionist, let's talk.
From a recovering perfectionist to another,
Tina
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